Have you ever questioned to yourself, why is it that the things that you want you either can’t have, is no good for you, or simply doesn’t want you back?
I was speaking to a good friend of mine a few days ago. She is dealing with a man that doesn’t want to be more than a friend to her, yet she wants more from him since they have been in a relationship before. She mentioned to me that she wanted to ask him, why he wanted to be her friend but not wanting a relationship? His response was obvious but the question still pondered her mind. True enough, the question she asked was a valid question, but in reality, did a response to that question really matter? What really mattered was, why or if she wanted to be his friend. Why does his reasons for being her friend matter? Is that going to be the deciding factor as to if she wants to be his friend in return? Why not question yourself as to why in the hell would you want to be friends with a guy that has hurt you without consideration of your feelings? Is it because of convenience? Maybe the sex was good. Could it be that he was what you were comfortable with? Whatever the reason may be, she needed to discover those reasons without outside influence and opinion.
Think about my situation, I was in love with a man that gave me sign after sign after sign, showing me who he was and what he wanted. But I was oblivious to his signals because I was so close into the situation that I was in denial; believing that change will come. Hahaha, ooooh was I fooled. Every woman has that one situation that they experience in their life, even though people tell you again and again that you can’t change someone, for some God forsaken reason we put ourselves in a position to attempt to change a man that has no desire to be changed on his own. Through that experience, I must say, I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSION!
I say all this to say, why do we try so hard to be with people that has no desire to be with us? They show us all the signs, they give us all the reasons to move on beyond them, but we focus our attention on what we can’t have because we view it as a challenge, or we are so in love, or we don’t want to be alone, or we are afraid of rejection so we chalk it up to being in denial.
Yet this is not just limited to women, it goes for men too. We like challenges and we like the feeling of accomplishment; thinking that if we get the “hard to get guy/girl” then he/she was worth it! Nothing is worth having if you don’t have to work for it, right? I’m still trying to figure out if that is an accurate statement or not. Because there are so many instances where we (men and women) try so hard to obtain a person of interest’s attention that we sometimes lose focus on who we are and what we like or dislike. Its like we transform/conform into what our person of interest likes so that we can win them over. And is that the type of relationship you want? Someone that you can’t be yourself with, someone you can’t show your true colors to? And with all the trying and persistence and time spent on trying to gain someone else’s attention, you find that they really don’t like you. So then, what does that hard work show for?
Now, this is not to say that every time you seek a person, that you will get rejected, I’m not saying that at all. All I’m saying is that we should start to focus on getting ourselves in the right place whereas, God will send the person you are intended to be companioned with in due time. So many people jump in and out of these relationships and marriages so quickly that I question their initial purposes of entering those relationships. And when you think about it, it goes back to working on YOU.
I was questioned by a friend of mine of my reasons behind wanting to be single for a period of time. I mentioned to him that I just recently removed myself from an unhealthy relationship and I wanted to take the time to rebuild myself. He questioned, why is your guard up so high? My response was, I am in a place in my life where working on me is all that I want to do. Bringing someone else in my life and in my heart will only cause distraction and make me lose focus on my initial goal. I have no problems with being friends and hanging out with individuals that are interested in me, yet, my interest is nothing more than, just that, a friendship without benefits…if you get my drift. My heart has no room for anyone else besides me, God, and my family. And in due time, my heart will become open again, but now is not that time. If you like me like you say you do, then you will wait but I am in no place to request your patience, as I am not certain that it will be you that I will be interested in when my heart becomes open again.
Although, that may seem cruel and hard or even mean to some people, but that was my honest thought process to the question that was asked of me. I have no reason to lie to people or lead them on to believe something that is not there. I’ve been down that road one too many times to allow myself to demonstrate that behavior to someone else. But again, it is my time to focus on me so that I will be prepared for what there is to come. Some people may say, well you might miss what God is trying to send your way because you are not letting anyone into your circle of life. And in some cases, I would normally believe that to be true. However, what God has for me, it is for me and He has not failed me yet so that is what I have to believe. God knows my heart, my desires, my wants and needs, and when its time, I will get what is rightfully mine to claim.
So many times, I hear women complain about how they want a man and sometimes, they go to extreme desperate measures to obtain just that, a man. Not considering other things that are a necessity for a relationship to be successful, all they request for is a man! LORD JESUS I NEED A MAN! And when they get it, they are confused because this man doesn’t know how to communicate, doesn’t treat women right, doesn’t have the mental capacity to have responsible priorities. And of course, I am not stating this to generalize all men that way, because there are so many great men out here in this world. But for women seeking to be in relationships just for the sake of being in a relationships, we need to learn to be patient and get ourselves together. WOMEN, we need to get ourselves together!
Another example, some women say I WANT A MAN, but often times try to play his part. Therefore, how can we successfully embrace a relationship with the opposite sex if we are continuously taking over each other’s role and responsibilities? We expect them to pay for our meals, our bills, our clothes and womanly maintenance…but we are quick to throw the whole “I’M INDEPENDENT” role in their face like its something to brag about while you are in a relationship. That very comment is an insult to a man’s dignity and ego…it is basically saying that “I don’t need you and at any point you mess up, I can move on past you”. And do we really want to give that impression to a man that we claim to like or even love? Now don’t get me wrong, if you are a single woman and you do everything on your own, then being independent is an accurate statement to your status. You pay your own bills, you have your own things and you are in a position where you are forced to take care of yourself. However, when a man comes along, our mind frames need to adjust to the idea of being INTERdependent upon one other. We need to learn how to trust that we both will play our roles to the best of our ability and rely on each other when there is a need and want. But I’ll even play the devils advocate on this thought, sometimes we are in relationships…and our partners don’t play their part, they don’t take care of things in the home, they aren’t reliable and so on and so forth, so we are forced to play his part and pick up where he is lacking. Now in a marriage, times do get hard and working things out needs to be an on-going process. But if you are in a relationship with someone, and they are already showing signs of not playing their role….YOU NEED TO RUN…AS FAST AS YOU CAN! Like that old saying goes, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Take a step back at yourself and at your relationship and identify if this is really what you want, is this really what you will be willing to tolerate down the line if these actions continue?
Sometimes we get so caught up in love that we forget LOGIC. We forget how to make rational decisions. We begin to lose ourselves trying to please someone else, when there should be some sort of balance between making yourself happy and making your partner happy. You CHOOSE who you bring into your life, into your circle, into your trust and into your emotional connection, BE WISE about whom you bring into those key components of your happiness. Understand what it means to love yourself and do so. Take yourself out from time to time, get your own stuff and do it with the understanding that you choose to make myself happy. You bring other individuals in your life to make you happier! You can’t love someone else if you don’t know how to love yourself. How can you expect so much for someone else, if you can’t do it yourself…and that goes to the point of expecting a man to have this much money, this type of car, this big of a house, this type of job, wear these type of clothes and the list goes on. How can you expect those things, when you as a woman, still live at home with mom, riding the public transportation, working a bogus job, shopping at Rainbow AND you don’t even know how to cook!
How many women these days actually knows how to cook? Not many, and I thought that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…I guess that’s not a true statement anymore….or maybe it is, but because some of these women don’t know how to do that they are losing the race. Hahahahaha, ok let me take that back, just because you don’t know how to cook, does not mean that you won’t find love…I just had to throw that out there that I can cook which makes me toot my horn a lot louder….but then again…I don’t have a man so what does that tell you? Absolutely nothing.
Anyway, back at the point I was making, we need to stop expecting so much from people that we aren’t able to give in return…and that goes for both men and women. Stop jumping in relationships with people to rebound from someone else, give yourself time to heal from your hurt, learn the lesson that was to be learned from being with that person and then progress to moving on. Stop being with people because you have a history…consider your history when deciphering if this person is good for you…but don’t let it be the deciding factor…weigh out all the pros and cons of sticking around in your current state of an unhealthy relationship. Stop settling down with people just because you know they won’t go anywhere just for you to do your dirt on the side. Everything that is done in the dark will come to light and its not easy facing the truth, especially when you have to look at it in the mirror everyday.
I understand that marriage is the new fortune 500 business these days. It seems like the new perspective is that in order to be economically stable, you have to get married or be in a relationship to assist with your finances and the type of lifestyle you want to live. But why not attempt to develop the type of lifestyle you want to live on your own or if you fall in love with someone that is able to assist you financially then so be it, but don’t let their financial well being be your reason for the connection. Why are we always looking to find someone with all the money to mooch off of? Doesn’t that say a lot about your drive and ability to reach accomplishments? It makes me think that you don’t have anything to offer because you are too lazy to accomplish things yourself, so you look to other people to dictate your success. But then again, I could be wrong...just my opinion. But all in all, I say all this to say…take the time to learn yourself, your likes and dislikes, your wants and needs, your desires and fantasies, what makes you happy, what you are willing or not willing to tolerate…and then dibble dabble into a relationship when the time is ready.
We need to understand who we are as individuals, identify what it is that we want out of life and in a mate and maybe then we will become more successful in our relationships with other people as our hearts will be open to allow another person to reside in it.
