Can I get a clue?

I am finally understanding the complexity of my own thinking... I have created a superficial idea of happiness that has allowed me to be free… removing all thoughts of love and hurt from lost love…but yet, I stand… Wishing… Wondering… If I would have done something differently... The outcome to this shortcoming would have equaled to more... More than late nights waiting for the phone to ring... Wishing the thought of me would cross the mind of another... Just the yearn for me... Even just to be... In the presence of a thought... How pathetic is that?... For a woman of great substance such as I... I am lost... Lost trying to find what love really means... If it exists beyond a broken heart... If love can ever be true... Although lustful experiences are amongst many lies... I thought in agreements such as sex partners... There was an understanding... That lies were not needed…but even still... I am still told them... Him and her, her and him, not with her, out with him… What for?... Girlfriend is never a title that I hold... Wanting to believe that it was by choice... Yet that is a lie continuously told within myself... I contemplate the idea of being alone... Long term... That is a lonely and unwanted reality... Focusing on me and my career... To keep busy... Avoiding the very thought of being with no one... Seriously ... Committed that is… Sexually is easy to come by... But more is what I need... More than an insertion of penis... That is no longer my only turn on... I need his... His love... His respect... His honesty... His support... His communication... His touch... I miss something I feel I never had... Having only a dream… Holding on to a dream that is untrue… Not real… Heal my heart so that I can learn... Instead of suppress... Caress my soul to seek more... The adore type of love... But I sleep in a bed of silk sheets ... Awaiting the moment to share this space... Replace the pillow between my legs... With a person that wants to hold me... Lay with him just to whisper “I love you”... And for him to respond with “I love you more”... More than what I see... More than what is known... More than what is to come... I love you for all that you are and all that you are to be... Not quite certain that…that type of love exists... Because my heart is hurting... But I have pain relievers to cover the pain... One day, this will all change... My life will be rearranged... To accept these things I can not change... And aspire to have the courage to change the things that I can... Then hopefully we will make some progress... Life’s a bitch sometime... And love is her evil sister... Go figure... Bitter…I wouldn’t say so... Just in the company of my own too often... And wish that to change… Tired of being lied to and disregarded... I am one to be regarded and attended to... But according to who?... Can I get a clue?... Because this rollercoaster of no love and the confusion of lust is for the birds…