Before I started to write this blog, I was driving in my car listening to music that for some reason, describes exactly what I was experiencing right now. I realize that I’m an emotional wreck. I’ve been spending time with X lately, not a whole lot of time, but more than usual and its starting to get to me. I thought that I could hang around him and be cool without those feelings coming into play. But every time we hang out, I get to a point where I want him around more often. Damn it! And the sad part about it is that I know he is in a relationship…and he does too, but we both still want to be in each other’s lives. What a confused mess! Lord knows that I hate that I love him. I try to fill my life with guys that I have no business being with to fulfill this void that I feel when he isn’t around me. Sad to say, he makes me happy, but he also makes me said, its like I need him around because I feel like I have no worries when he is there but then I don’t because he isn’t good for me and no one has ever gotten me to a point were I feel either of the extremes, except for him. I hate this!
I hate this lonely aspect of my life, which no one sees. People always say, awww girl you’re so pretty, or you’re so smart…you got guys lined up out your door, just pick one. Yet, its not that simple with me…I don’t want any of the ones that are in line. There are good guys, I mean really good guys, but I always find something wrong with them…clearly that something is a deal breaker causing me not to be interested. I’m so fucking lonely…and its all my fault.
When I talk to X sometime, I wish I had something to throw in his face and say, “Yeah, I’m in love and its not with you…and I’ve moved on and blah blah blah…” but I can’t say none of that, because its not true. I have nothing to show for myself between the years that we have not been together or messing around. I’m still single, I’m still an emotional and controlling person that gets frustrated when I can’t have things my way. He mentioned one time in conversation that I wasn’t there to support him, which I thought that I was, but for some reason he thought that I wasn’t…which obviously I wasn’t doing something if he isn’t with me…right?
Then I have my best friend “boyfriend” which I don’t even like as a boyfriend and its causing me more stress than it should trying to play a role that I don’t want or have a desire to play. I know that I need to tell him the truth and if he wants to move on, then so be it…but its like he is the only person that I have in my corner right now, hell, he’s been in my corner all the damn time, but for some reason I just don’t have that same connection that he has with me.
I hate to keep going back to this and I feel so damn stupid saying this shit, but I love my X and I wish things could be better…but why the fuck do I feel like that? I just want to move on and be loved and love someone else. Why can’t I have that? I have to keep kissing these frogs…until….well until…shit…I don’t know when. It seems like its always been the case, no one ever sticks…and that’s not counting the guys that just don’t give up…I’m saying there hasn’t been a guy that I’ve been so interested in that they have kept my attention long enough to keep me from looking elsewhere…except for that old loser I call X. I just want to be happily in love with someone and have that feeling shared with him. I just want one person I can call my own, bring around family, take to events, introduce to my friends, have fun with, laugh, chill, and just be me. I just want to be me without any limitations or restrictions…and have that to be accepted. I yearn so much for that guy that will take control…even with me knowing that I want control half the time…but instead not be intimidated by it, but channel it in different ways that is complimenting to me and my style of thinking. I want him to be the man, make decisions, support, provide, love, care and protect me, talk to me, or even to just listen and in return I can be that woman that he wants and needs…damn is that too much to ask? I wonder if it is going to be true about what people say about me, that I’ll be single forever and lonely? I really hope not. People say I’m mean and cold, and I act like I don’t care. But in all actuality, it’s a defensive mechanism that I use to prevent my soft heart from being bruised, beaten or broken. The unfortunate thing about me, is that there is no warm part about me…its either cold or hot, right or wrong, black or white, yes or no. When I love, I love hard, when I don’t like you…trust me you would want to stay away. And with knowing that about myself, I have the tendency to become distant to people that I have no true interest in, unless you sincerely become my friend and get to know me. But for that person that I love, I love deeply, hard, sincerely, openly and I believe it to be unconditionally. Yet, in my past experience, that open love got the best of me and caused this ice box to be surrounded around my heart which makes it very difficult for someone to penetrate any emotion from it. I try to be open and nice and willing to allow someone inside my heart, but for some reason my heart won’t allow it. Its not ready yet, though my mind is saying one thing and clearly my heart is saying another.
And on top of the love lacking of my life, I have so many other things going on in my life that I don’t even know where to focus on. I need that support system, that backbone to help me when I’m feeling low because I’m there…and the only person to help me get back is me…and I don’t want it to be like that forever. I want to be able to rely on someone…but right now, there is no one and that frustrates the hell out of me. Like I said, I’m an emotional wreck and can’t seem to find what I’ve been looking for even though seeing more options that most. I guess I need to just wait my turn and wait on God. But it seems like I’ve been waiting forever…I just need to get my shit together and maybe one of these days someone would just fall in my lap. Blah……..sometimes I wish someone could walk in my shoes for a day, hell a week….maybe a month or even a year…just to see if there decisions could change the direction of the path that I’m currently on, for the better. ..because I am either walking too slow, made the wrong turn, took a short cut, ran a red light, sped over a speed bump, something…whatever I’m doing…it doesn’t seem to be resulting to anything positive, so maybe I just need to try something different. I’m open for suggestions…for once in my life, I wish someone else could make some decisions for me…because I’m tired…I am really tired.
