A Bath Full of Thoughts

"Here I am again...asking questions

Waiting to be moved
What I thought I knew
I don't seem to
Where is the turn


So I can get back
To what I believe in
To the old me and...
God please hear my call...
I am afraid...
Of me...
I need your healing..."


Hear I am again, sitting in the warmth of small waves
Moving across my body with moisture bath beads
Trying to relax
But I'm lost in my brain
Thinking and contemplating how I'm going to fix this
Unexpected things that occurred in my life seem to come back to memory
I thought these lit candles and bottle of wine would do it
Get me in the zone of thinking of nothingness while the nudeness of my body lays in this bowl of water
Wanting only to be lost in blissful ignorance of not knowing
Trying to find answers to solutions
Yet none to which are found
To the problems that keep arriving in my life
But I sip on this glass of wine wishing that relaxation or drunkenness will take over and encompass my mind
I just want to free my mental process from moving
Only momentarily for me to appreciate the beauty of a moment
Always moving, never stopping to take a second for me
To realize who I am and my value
To acknowledge my own efforts in making my dreams into reality
No memories of men, no facts of friendships, no frustrations of family, no corruptions and conflicts of interests in career...just me
I need to know why this is to be
Why I continuously fuck up on things that matter to me
Instead I move on like it never existed just to make the same mistake again
Questioning my hurt is a weakness to my eyes
But why?
Facing reality is a challenge that I so often am faced up against
Realizing that my actions determine my outcome
And coming to terms with owning up to my decisions
So many things to remember, so many things to correct
I'm lost in my brain
All over the place with no focus
Bouncing from one thought to another
STOP!
I close my eyes and tell myself to calm
Breathing in the steam of this scorching water
Sweat beads drip down my face from extortion of thought
I'm tired
I lay my head back upon the wall
and pace myself in my inhales
Blowing out to exhale…
releasing out all the stresses
All the advertises,
all the thoughts of under appreciation,
all the broken promises,
all the lies and deceit,
all the feelings of being alone and lonely,
all the feelings of being wanted,
all the hard work that goes unnoticed,
all the stuff that has caused me to think
And make me reach this level of fatigued.
Tears combine with sweat as they both slowly slide down the curves of my face
No longer will I let these thoughts suppress me
Depress me into losing my motivation
With visions and thoughts of things I haven't let go
But when I get up
And soon I will do just that
I'll look at everything I went through as beautiful
As it has made me...me
Unique, beautiful and one to be loved
Created in only the image of The Divine
Hoping that He gives me guidance
To finding me again
I need to stop going in REWIND
But make FORWARD movements to catch up where I left off
So that I can PLAY out my life the way it's was intended
Happy and free...enjoying the blessing of life itself
Appreciating the birds and the bees
Although right now I might not see the forest for the trees
I gotta love me enough to change
Rearrange the puzzle pieces so that I can see the big picture
Seeing only the sight of me looking back at me
A reflection that I've always avoided
Because of the void felt within
But now as I open my eyes...
A new impression of me is revealed
Concealed to myself that I can only be me
And that's all that I have in me to be

 

The Silent Treatment _ Part 1

My memory seems to fail me
In attempt to recollect the rationale to my tolerance
My acceptance of no expectations
I haven’t heard from him
And to them, this seems normal
Is it because someone’s playing hard to get
Give me too much space
You might find yourself replaced
But patience is telling me to wait
Contemplating if holding on is in my favor
As his behavior is revealing something unfavorably
Once before, I was willing to be free
Open to all emotive expression
Removing the suppression of my feelings
Although now, I have closed, sealed and locked that door
It is he that must now breakdown those barriers
Find the key and hope that the locks go unchanged
So this is to say…
That today…
I will no longer make the pursuit to figure you out
Attempting to learn what you’re all about
Doubting this whole idea of us being together
I now pass this opportunity over to you to remember
To take this time to reflect on your purpose
Your reasoning for the initial pursuit
No responses from me will be given
At least for a the time being
Just to take you back to the beginning
Where you had the desire for a commitment
So this is now my chance to experiment
With my assessment to give you the silent treatment

Moment of Silence _ Part 2

The peaceful eloquence of silence
Allows for mental complexity
Reflecting on memories of experience
Remembrance of things that once were
Lost love and broken hearts
I shall leave in the past to which they dwell
Progressing to new beginning
Of a story that is untold
I am ready for this start of an unfinished revelation
The unknown is a fear to conquer
As knowing is a challenge to accept
Truth to which is known
Often becomes a want to be unknown
Silence is a blissful sound of understanding
Understanding what is within thought
Thinking not only of the reflections within me
But those that are to come and to be
I am ready for the next the sure to exist
New love to a devoted heart ready to be received
Accepted by one of a humble soul
Cherished by which is understood to be fragile and delicate
Although our past is irrelevant
Still knowing that past is what brings forth present and creates future
Expecting picture prefect yet prefect individual is not expected
I've accepted the uniqueness of individuality
But also the commonality of which is shared
I can appreciate this moment of silence
Where I can only see what I want to see
Ears closed from what is told
Holding on to the thought of actions speaking louder than words
This is my truth when I look upon you
No words...just the sight that I view
And in this quietness of silence it has shown itself to be
All that I was hoping for which was together only you and me

Alone Tonight

I don’t want to be alone tonight
Lost in thought, I am sitting in my own wonders
Who shall I consider to accompany me in my moments
In my moments of blissful thinking
Thinking of being caressed and tasted
Liquefying my body with licks from lustful lips
While in the idleness of my abode
My vagina becomes swollen from circular movements
Rhythmic touches along the moistness of my succulent pearl
I really wish that I wasn’t alone tonight
So that I may share the scents of lit candles
Aromatizing my senses to prepare for a sensual adventure
But not tonight…as I am alone in the company of my own
Moaning to the vibrations that I have placed upon my clit
Wishing that he was here to see, hear and feel my release
Inserting my tool of pleasure inside my dwelling
I feel the river of passion flowing within
Coming is only a minimal explanation of what was felt
As the volcanic eruption of my body poured all of its uniqueness
All of its pureness and sexiness
Wanting for his fingers to have been drizzled with this crème
Watching him suckle upon them just to taste my sweetness
Mmmmm….if only I wasn’t alone tonight
I could feel his stiffness…encompassing my pleasure escape
Fucking me, loving me, sexing me, and taking control of my body
I want to give everything to him in these moments
No resistance necessary
I want to be free and allow him to take full advantage of what is bestowed
Harden nipples from distended breast being sucked upon simultaneously
While exhaling and inhaling to the beat of our motions
If I wasn’t at home alone tonight
I would be gazing at the view while leaving finger prints on my window
By way of him bending me over to engage in the karma sutra style of the mongrel
Beads of sweat drips onto my warm form
While smacking my ass and asking me if I liked it
Noticing his shivers becoming uncontrolled
He embraces my physique with a strong hold
Bonding to body as if to be connected as one
If only I wasn’t alone tonight…
I wouldn’t be lying in my bed with creamy panties
Daydreaming about sexual fantasies
Just to realize that I ran out of all my double A batteries…

You never appreciate a moment until its a memory...

These past few months have been very trying for me. Yet in still, God has brought me through. I feel as though I am making some progress, although, in certain circumstances, I feel like I am making some steps backwards. However, with those step backwards, I use that time to look back and reflect on situations or obstacles that has transpired throughout the course of my life and identifying areas at which I can improve going forward.

I had recently had a heart to heart with someone that is very dear to me. Over five years now, I’ve been holding a grudge against this person I’ll call, MJ, that I now understand why I think and do some of the things that I do now. With this grudge, I found that in my lowest of lows and hurts of hurt, MJ which is one person that I really needed at the time, was not there. At one of the most troubling times of my life, this MJ’s lack of presence, caused me to shut down just about every emotion that has caused me to love unconditionally and without limits and allow someone else to see all of me. That moment in time, which is now a memory, took so much out of me that its taking me until now to start recovering from my hurt. My hurt transitioned to being depressed and depressed transitions to anger…and before speaking with MJ, I was angry with MJ, I wanted nothing to do with MJ…and it hurt me so bad that I felt the way I did about that person. All in all, throughout our discussion, an apology was given…and it was accepted, but I am still trying to open my heart to allow this person to enter in it again as they once did. I have to build that trust with MJ again before I can be completely connected with MJ again…because with Family…you can’t hold on to grudges…because one day they might not be there to tell them that you forgive them.

Which brings me to my next point. After that moment in time where I was dealing with some serious tribulations of life, X broke up with me and also caused me to close my heart to men…resulting in my future relationships being affected by my lack of opening my heart to someone else. I never understood why some of my relationships didn’t work, especially with knowing that I had so many good guys on my roster…but I always found something wrong and I ran away…ran away from the guy, ran away from the relationship, ran away from the possibility of someone getting close enough to touch my heart…and I never understood why I just wasn’t ready for that. But now I see. With MJ not being there for me and X leaving me in the manner at which he did and all at the same time while experiencing the situations I was going through….I mean, anyone in there sane mind would have probably hit the loony mind if they went through the same thing I went though. But only God…ONLY GOD…has brought me through and I am grateful for that.

But back to my point, I realized that this one guy I’ll call the Golden Arch, came into my life and revealed something to me…while we were together…and what he revealed was that I still had a heart…and my heart has feelings and only someone that shows me that they are trustworthy I when expose my heart to. And in this situation, he was definitely a person I considered trustworthy and I showed him an inkling of my heart. Although wanting to give him more of me, because he was deserving, I couldn’t because I was still holding on to the memory of being left alone. And seeing as though I haven’t resolved that issue, when the Golden Arch opened his heart and expressed his love for me….I got nervous and ran, as I always do, because I just wasn’t ready, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t think my heart was prepared to be given to someone else at the time. Oh but wow, when a moment becomes a memory, then and only then do you appreciate that moment; as now when I look back on the great things he has brought out in me, the flaws he looked past and the greatness he saw in me, the potential he was able to notice even with the outside shell that was exposed. I still to this day never comprehended how the Golden Arch could love me so unconditionally even within a short period of time. Honestly, I did love him too, and still do, but I wasn’t ready for the type of love that he was willing to give to me at the time. I wasn’t ready to love love, to express love, and to accept love…I didn’t know how to handle it because my heart has been on lockdown for so long…I forgot how to effectively use it. What a shame. And although me and the Golden Arch may never get back together again, or ever pursue a relationship again…I still consider him as a friend, that I hold near and dear.

Yet, how will I ever progress to something, rather a relationship, friendship or to even come back to being me? I used to always strive to bring joy into other people lives, to be the peacemaker, the person that everyone can confide in. But now, that has changed, and I’m trying to get back to where I was in my thoughts…being happy with who am I am and seeing a clear vision of who I plan to become. This scene for me is a bit blurry at the time...but this is a process that I have started and I am beginning to see some results.

If only I could appreciate the moments I have…before they become memories…maybe then I’ll understand the entire concept of life.
I’m out.

I'm tired of thinking...

Before I started to write this blog, I was driving in my car listening to music that for some reason, describes exactly what I was experiencing right now. I realize that I’m an emotional wreck. I’ve been spending time with X lately, not a whole lot of time, but more than usual and its starting to get to me. I thought that I could hang around him and be cool without those feelings coming into play. But every time we hang out, I get to a point where I want him around more often. Damn it! And the sad part about it is that I know he is in a relationship…and he does too, but we both still want to be in each other’s lives. What a confused mess! Lord knows that I hate that I love him. I try to fill my life with guys that I have no business being with to fulfill this void that I feel when he isn’t around me. Sad to say, he makes me happy, but he also makes me said, its like I need him around because I feel like I have no worries when he is there but then I don’t because he isn’t good for me and no one has ever gotten me to a point were I feel either of the extremes, except for him. I hate this!

I hate this lonely aspect of my life, which no one sees. People always say, awww girl you’re so pretty, or you’re so smart…you got guys lined up out your door, just pick one. Yet, its not that simple with me…I don’t want any of the ones that are in line. There are good guys, I mean really good guys, but I always find something wrong with them…clearly that something is a deal breaker causing me not to be interested. I’m so fucking lonely…and its all my fault.

When I talk to X sometime, I wish I had something to throw in his face and say, “Yeah, I’m in love and its not with you…and I’ve moved on and blah blah blah…” but I can’t say none of that, because its not true. I have nothing to show for myself between the years that we have not been together or messing around. I’m still single, I’m still an emotional and controlling person that gets frustrated when I can’t have things my way. He mentioned one time in conversation that I wasn’t there to support him, which I thought that I was, but for some reason he thought that I wasn’t…which obviously I wasn’t doing something if he isn’t with me…right?
Then I have my best friend “boyfriend” which I don’t even like as a boyfriend and its causing me more stress than it should trying to play a role that I don’t want or have a desire to play. I know that I need to tell him the truth and if he wants to move on, then so be it…but its like he is the only person that I have in my corner right now, hell, he’s been in my corner all the damn time, but for some reason I just don’t have that same connection that he has with me.

I hate to keep going back to this and I feel so damn stupid saying this shit, but I love my X and I wish things could be better…but why the fuck do I feel like that? I just want to move on and be loved and love someone else. Why can’t I have that? I have to keep kissing these frogs…until….well until…shit…I don’t know when. It seems like its always been the case, no one ever sticks…and that’s not counting the guys that just don’t give up…I’m saying there hasn’t been a guy that I’ve been so interested in that they have kept my attention long enough to keep me from looking elsewhere…except for that old loser I call X. I just want to be happily in love with someone and have that feeling shared with him. I just want one person I can call my own, bring around family, take to events, introduce to my friends, have fun with, laugh, chill, and just be me. I just want to be me without any limitations or restrictions…and have that to be accepted. I yearn so much for that guy that will take control…even with me knowing that I want control half the time…but instead not be intimidated by it, but channel it in different ways that is complimenting to me and my style of thinking. I want him to be the man, make decisions, support, provide, love, care and protect me, talk to me, or even to just listen and in return I can be that woman that he wants and needs…damn is that too much to ask? I wonder if it is going to be true about what people say about me, that I’ll be single forever and lonely? I really hope not. People say I’m mean and cold, and I act like I don’t care. But in all actuality, it’s a defensive mechanism that I use to prevent my soft heart from being bruised, beaten or broken. The unfortunate thing about me, is that there is no warm part about me…its either cold or hot, right or wrong, black or white, yes or no. When I love, I love hard, when I don’t like you…trust me you would want to stay away. And with knowing that about myself, I have the tendency to become distant to people that I have no true interest in, unless you sincerely become my friend and get to know me. But for that person that I love, I love deeply, hard, sincerely, openly and I believe it to be unconditionally. Yet, in my past experience, that open love got the best of me and caused this ice box to be surrounded around my heart which makes it very difficult for someone to penetrate any emotion from it. I try to be open and nice and willing to allow someone inside my heart, but for some reason my heart won’t allow it. Its not ready yet, though my mind is saying one thing and clearly my heart is saying another.

And on top of the love lacking of my life, I have so many other things going on in my life that I don’t even know where to focus on. I need that support system, that backbone to help me when I’m feeling low because I’m there…and the only person to help me get back is me…and I don’t want it to be like that forever. I want to be able to rely on someone…but right now, there is no one and that frustrates the hell out of me. Like I said, I’m an emotional wreck and can’t seem to find what I’ve been looking for even though seeing more options that most. I guess I need to just wait my turn and wait on God. But it seems like I’ve been waiting forever…I just need to get my shit together and maybe one of these days someone would just fall in my lap. Blah……..sometimes I wish someone could walk in my shoes for a day, hell a week….maybe a month or even a year…just to see if there decisions could change the direction of the path that I’m currently on, for the better. ..because I am either walking too slow, made the wrong turn, took a short cut, ran a red light, sped over a speed bump, something…whatever I’m doing…it doesn’t seem to be resulting to anything positive, so maybe I just need to try something different. I’m open for suggestions…for once in my life, I wish someone else could make some decisions for me…because I’m tired…I am really tired.

I think I made a mistake

Sometimes...friends should stay just that...friends. But how do I break it down to say...I think I made a mistake...sigh...

Open your eyes...and then you will see...

Wow, did I really just discover what was right in front of me all along? How can this be?

Can you believe it, after all of these trail and error relationships, I think that I’m falling for my best male friend….aaaaah that’s nuts to even say that…ewwww….lol….so many mixed emotions. Why is this? Should I even be feeling this way? What the hell is going on?

I just recently go rid of some dead weight with a couple previous guys that I’ve dated, and honestly…the dating scene for me has become the boring, lonely and repetitive portion of my life…almost down right depressing if you ask me. I’ve gotten so tired of seeing a different face every time I got taken out to dinner…or the boring and minimal substance conversations like “so….tell me about yourself…or….what do you like to do?….or when is your birthday?...or so how many siblings do have?...no need to go further, you get my drift. Its just boring and to me, its plain ol’ useless.

But…today, I sat across the table with my friend, and I looked into his eyes…and had all these funny feelings inside, (as I chuckle) could it be that I’m falling for my best male friend, is what I thought to myself. 12 years and counting, he has been waiting in the dust….waiting for me to say…yes, I’ll be with you. I’ve never known a man to wait this long and not receive much of anything in return, except for my time and the opportunity to really get to know me.

Its crazy when I sit back and actually use my brain to think about myself for a change…outside of work stuff or what I have to do for others…but now that I have had some time to reflect, I have always known that I loved him, but never knew to what extent. We made a pact back in high school that if we made it to 30 years of age and we both were single, that we would end up being together…who would have thought that my want to be with him would come before then…giving me 5 years to spare before my 30 year cut off time…hmmm….

But let me tell you a little bit about him…

He is one man that knows the ends and outs of me…mentally that is…understanding my needs and wants, supporting my dreams and desires, and catering to me in the areas that actually matter to me. He has done the dates, the plays, the fancy restaurants, the jazz clubs, the parties, the professional mingling outings…all with me…and just appreciated that I thought enough of him to spend time with him. What was I thinking? Had I just been blind that this guy…actually gets me?

I knew that initially the attraction was not there so much, but the things he does for me, especially the things that don’t even require money, makes me feel appreciated, wanted, respected, adored and even loved. He wants to see me happy and does everything in majority of his power to do that. Who doesn’t want that? …But who does? (hand rasies)

And the sad part about this whole picture is, all this time I was looking elsewhere…for someone with the physical package that I so desire…and I got that…but everything else was a bunch of mush….the guys I’ve dated are like little kids’ toys…you know the one that they play with in the tub? Its so cute on the outside, you want to play with it, and show it off to mommy…ooooh look what I got…but then you squeeze it and its just air…no substance, soft, filled with water and you realize that you can’t do much with it…it doesn’t shoot out lazers or sing you a song, or teach you letters, numbers and words…its just that, a plain ol toy. I hope that was a good analogy…it made sense to me….at the moment at least. :-) But I got off track for a second, the point I was making was…I’ve been focusing so much on these other guys that I had not taken the time to really get to know him, just like he has gotten to know me.

But now is my opportunity…I suppose…but in this case, I won’t be jumping the guns on anything. I won’t be making any drastic moves because I value our friendship more than the feeling of “just being with someone”.
Right when I thought I was content with being alone, I finally see what was in front of me as something that may just be what I’ve needed and wanted all this time. I hope this works if its meant to be, and if it isn’t…I hope that I see that before moving forwarding.

Lets see how this goes...eeeeeek! (fingers crossed)

Last One Standing

I decided that I would share this story that was revealed to me in the midst of the midnight hour, embedded in what we call a dream. I thought that it was so relevant to my current relationship status; therefore, I am including this in my blog space for your perspective.

There were these three guys, I’ll call my past, present and future. My decision to use the analogy of time will be revealed as you read. Moreover, there were the three guys…all waiting in my apartment to share their reasoning for wanting to include me in their lives and vice verse. There were some experiences shares between all three of these young men, but I wanted them to tell me why it was now that they wanted me to include them in my life…as a love that could possibility last forever…but as we all know…only time will shed the experiences of your future…

First up, my past. Past came in and my first question to him was “what is it that you desire from me?” His response, “I want your heart.” “Yet my heart was gifted to you once before and you decided not to cherish it, why is it that you want another opportunity?” His response, “we have a history, we’ve shared so many experiences that you have never experienced with anyone else before …why would you want to throw that away?” My response was clear and concise, “you speak about this past and this history that was once shared…clear to be tainted with sad memories and love pains…yet what is it that you see for our future?” His response, “in our past you’ve always seemed to want to lead our relationship, so there you have it…its all yours this time, you take the lead.” My response ended with, “I only led because I had to not because I wanted to and because you have no outlook on our future, I think that its time to move on to the next.” He looked shocked in my response, yet went back to take a seat in the living room of my apartment.

Second runner up, my present. Due to my current status of being labeled as single…my present has always been sheltered from those that had no intentions of caring, loving or being devoted to me. My experiences with dating in my present state have been both challenging and I am deciding to say…for the birds. This became very clear when my present decided to walk into my room to express his feelings of interest for my heart. My first question to him was, “what is it that you want from me?” His response, “I want your heart, your mind, and especially your body…girl you got it going on and I can’t help but notice and tell you how fine you are.” My response, “thank you for your visual insight on what you see when you look at me…yet, my next question to you is, what do you have to offer me?” His response, “I can show you a good time, make you feel good, keep you coming back for more and have your coochie curving to my stick because its just that good”. So I thought about it for a second…considered the notion of getting some then, because it had been so long…but decided against it. My present was fun and inviting…but it provided me no substance…it has become a routine for me, closed heart and open eyes limiting me to move forward beyond any doors to find a love that was true. Therefore, my decision became clear, I instructed him back to the living room as I decided that I wanted more than what he had to offer.

I needed a break in between sessions, so I decided to go into the kitchen to grab a quick snack. While in the kitchen, I listened to discover that I was hearing the sounds of moaning in my bathroom with the shower water running. I quickly place my snack on the counter and in a speedy pace; I open the door to find my present having sex with another woman. Passionately enjoying one another even after the brief discussion we just encountered in my room. I was angered, stressed and I felt mislead. My quick response was, “if I have to say this again, I will be jumping through this shower to kill someone, therefore, this is your only opportunity to remove yourself from my presence…get the fuck out my house and this needs to happen faster than a clock and click for 15 seconds”. “And the countdown starts now at 15….14…..13…..”in the middle of my counting the woman yelled, “you bitch I was enjoying myself”. I quickly jumped through those shower curtains and punched her in the face, threw a bottle of body wash as Present’s head and proceeded to tell them to get the fuck out of my house. As they were walking into my living room that leads to the door, another woman comes out of no where and expresses her interest in Present. This angered me further, and proceeds to kick Present and his groupie bitches out of my house. As I opened the front door, another woman looking for Present and I just couldn’t believe why it was me that was experiencing this drama and game playing with my present. I mean, Present was a fine, chocolate, muscular and tall man…I understood why so many women wanted him, but I refused to go through this drama any longer…so as they were dismissed from my presence…I was left with my past and my future both in the living room.

I stood in the forefront of my living room staring at the both of them, debating on which one to choose. My future was sitting calm on the couch, flipping through channels on the television, seemingly unaware of the chaos that my present has brought forth. I looked at my future and was wondering if I wanted to take a risk on something I knew nothing about. I know my experiences from my past and present but was that enough to keep me moving forward? Therefore, I began to switch back and forth, looking back at my past and then over to my future, back at my past and then over to my future. Finally I stood there staring at my past and the comment that came out was why the hell are you still here? He responded saying, “you’re going to just throw away all that was experienced for someone you don’t even know yet? I thought you were going to pick me?” My response was with a smile and I began to say, “my experience with you ended when I moved to my present, and now that I have experiences with my past and my present, I’ll rather take the risk with someone that is calm in the midst of adversities, patient when others are before him, wants my heart just like the rest of you, but was willing to wait for when it was ready to be given to him and last but not least, he is the leader of my future…and that’s all I’ve been asking for from my past and my present, yet neither of you were able to deliver. Therefore, my decision has been made and I’ll ask that you leave and stay in my past where you belong”.

My future was the last one standing in the room, with open arms wanting to embrace me with the sincere look of new love. He commented, “I needed you to experience your past and present in order to be prepared for me. I knew all along it was me that you would choose; I just needed you to see it for yourself”.

Now how do you wake up from a dream like that and not think about which decision you would make if you were really in that situation?

What is this?

Too many times before have I walked down this road
Feelings of doubt and untrusting conscious
Unconsciously pulling away from something that hasn’t proven itself to be untrue
Moments of bliss transform into insecurities
Believing that this could not be what its face value reveals to me
Knowing that what is display towards me is deserved
Yet I am afraid of what the possibilities of an open heart could bring forth
I know my limits and I seek an undefined love
But the journey of the unknown is beyond my comfort zone
What is this?
His affectionate behaviors and gentle but manly manners has drawn my attention
Attentively concentrating on the positive
In hopes that this man does not transition into something different
What is it to feel happy?
Overwhelming emotions causing contagious smiles to occur
Reflecting on the interactions with him interchangeably smiling back at me
The physical touch of his hands soothes the stresses of my mind
Allowing enjoyable thoughts to now encompass it
His actions are consistent with his words
And his words are beyond the average minded former experiences of my past
Which makes being in his presences just that more pleasurable
What is this?
Could it be that he is falling for me?
Yet who am I to fall for when the doors to my heart aren’t widely open
Could it be that his patience is allowing time to past
Giving me the opportunity to unlock the corridors of my emotional connection
Allowing me a chance to see what he has intended for a future of his leadership
Is this the numerical expression of 143?
Is this what luv is suppose to be?
What this is has got to be something for me
Because its feels so good
It feels so real
But what this is, is causing my heart to heal
Giving it an opportunity for new exposure to something/someone that will cherish what gifts it brings
Whatever this is, is undefined by me.