When Keeping it Real Goes Right

There comes a time in everyone’s life where you have to put your pride to the side and be the bigger person. Even in times where you are not the person that’s doing wrong, you have to take on the responsibility of maintaining the peace.

I have had to be the bigger person on so many occasions that I almost feel like I am due for being the little person. I am yearning so much to curse someone out for cutting me off in the middle of my sentences, or bust someone’s windows out for taking advantage of me, or simply tell someone how I really feel without considering their feelings or emotions. Its almost like I’m ready to release this crazy B!#$% that’s boiling inside me for taking so much from other people. Don’t you know that movie, what’s it called…..Me, Myself and Irene, yeah that’s what it is…I almost feel like Jim Carrey when that Hank character came out. I know its funny, but seriously.

I have always been the calm one, trying to maintain order and harmony in my family, in my workplace, with my friends and so on and so forth. Even in times of frustration, I either cry in solitary, write a blog post or journal entry, pray….or punch this punching bag that has really seen the best of me. But all in all, I still think about those moments were certain individuals have taken advantage of me, hurt my feelings, backstabbed me, lied to me, wasn’t there for me…and the list goes on. And the kicker is that once I initially forgive them, they persist to perform the same behaviors as before. Now, of course…I keep my distance from people that continue to do wrong towards me…but for some odd forsaken reason…more and more people of that same caliber keeps coming my way. And its unfortunate that the new people might get the short end of the stick when it comes to my alter-ego being released in moments of high pissness (my new word).

So that means I’m tired of being Ms. Nice Girl…always smiling…always making sure others are happy and in a good place. Let’s see if someone else will take on this role while I dibble dabble into my own little world of being the mean girl. I am very much aware of the consequences of having an attitude…I have seen it in other people all the time. People tend to not like you, people get attitudes back at you, sometimes you get in trouble depending on who the attitude is directed to…yeah yeah yeah…I know the drill. I’m going to even go as far as to mention…the whole perspective of “when keeping it real goes wrong”.

Now let’s reflect….just that pervious paragraph sounds like a retarded female that is lost in the allusion of believing that having an attitude has some type of positive result on changing the negative attitudes of others that are directed towards her. Sad to say though, many people feel that way though. In my case, yeah I do think about punching people in the face for saying stupid stuff to me, or belittling people that think they are so much above me just so that they may understand the level I’m on, or crushing a man’s ego because he didn’t want to be with me or took advantage of me. But all those emotions and feelings come into play based off of things not going my way.

I am learning more and more that I cannot control anyone’s actions but my own and being the bigger person is just in my “make up”. I can’t allow myself to belittle someone because they have said something that was unfitting to me. Instead, I smile and encourage them to focus on things that matter and I keep it moving. What good will is it to belittle someone that is obviously on a level at which they don’t want to be on; therefore they say things to you to make you feel bad. Why not encourage them to want more and focus on things of positivity so that we can have more people in the world that has some sense. What good would it do to punch someone in the face because they hurt my feelings? Even after you punch them, that punch will still not show the same amount of pain you might feel from the emotional hurt that they have done to you. So instead, chalk that shit up, learn from it, grow from it and once again…keep it moving…live a little more of your life and more people will hurt your feelings…can’t punch every person…you’ll go to jail for that. What good would it do to crush a man’s ego because he may have bruised your self-esteem due to taking advantage of you and emotionally leading you on? It may feel good to say all the penetrating things on your mind to make him feel bad and low…but making him feel bad and low will just add him to the group of other males that has no clue of how to handle relationships…I would rather let me know how my feelings were hurt and hope that one day he won’t do it to the next female that comes along. I want growth and development from these men out here…so what is the point in making things worst?

Either way, the thought of making someone else feel the same way they make I feel is always something that I think about from time to time. I think about those things because I know I can do the same damage to them in return. But only a person of strong mindedness, discipline and of calm manners has the ability to not allow someone else to control my mannerism. Even to the point of saying “Look you stupid @$$, if you keep FU&^ing with me I am going to FU up” and then smile…and walk away. As a matter of fact, I might just use that line…it’s a forewarning right? Man if I was really comfortable with cursing people out, it would then come so easy to say something like that to someone. But instead, I maintain my silence as I’m learning that silence can be so much more powerful that using words, being able to communicate effectively my needs and wants is considered keeping it real…and this is what constructively makes someone the bigger person when “Keeping it Real Goes Right”.

Why doesn't your heart do what your mind tells it?

Here we go again, walking down this yellow brick road...more like this concrete pavement on Chicago's southside with the view of a love scene...why must I continuously press play ---rewind---play---rewind over and over again on this same part of the "Notebook"...more specifically my notebook of memories with this man that I love so very much?...

When I saw him, I wanted to ball up my fist and punch him in the face for all the hurt that he has put me through. But in reality, all I could simply do was open my arms and embrace him with a hug.

I loved this man and it becomes a struggle with knowing how your heart feels towards someone but your mind wants you to do something different. I wanted so much for him to be back in my life but I knew that now was not the time for that type of discussion. We haven’t seen each other in weeks and I have tried to avoid him every chance I was given. I truthfully wanted to be in his presence but I forced myself to believe that if he was out of sight, he will be out of mind…causing me to move on. Obviously, that doesn’t seem to work. I would like to be his friend if nothing more, but I know that my emotions wouldn’t allow me to perform such a difficult task at the moment.

So while in each others company we discussed the vague updates of our lives, knowing that deep down we had more to express. I shielded myself from revealing all of what was felt by me, and he of course, as this is usual with him, caused himself to do the same. However, during our conversation, he leaned over and succeeded in landing a kiss upon my lips. I sooooo wanted to kiss him back, but my reflex caused me to softly slap him in the face with a response of “Quit it!” (yeah like that sounded so convincing). Continuing on with our conversation, trying to think of other things beyond wanting to kiss him…he tried again but this time my face turned away in the slight moment that he went for the gold.

I am trying to understand that even with me wanting to kiss him back; I repeatedly caused myself not to return the favor. I need to learn discipline with him, because kissing will only cause more confusion in this disconnected relationship that we are in. I am learning that if it is for us to be together again, we have to learn how to be friends, how to have fun together, how to communicate to each other, how to respect each other, and overall learn how to love each other again, the right way without precincts and closed hearts. I still love him, but he has to learn to love me the way I deserve to be loved. Even though I am still willing to give my heart to him again; he needs to understand that he has hurt me and he needs to show me that he will take care of my heart next time around...(makes me feel dumb at times for wanting him back) Is that stupid of me? Why does love make you do so many stupid and crazy things at times? Why can’t moving on be a smooth process?

Once our conversation was coming to an end, he walked me to my car and hugged me closely. I was wishing that he didn’t have to leave but he released me from his arm hold and attempted yet again to kiss me. It took ever negative emotion I had in me to not kiss him back, but I believe it was for the best. I can’t be controlled by his advances because that will land me right where we started off in the first place.

Focus girl focus!

That is what I keep telling myself…focus on what you want right now. And what I want is for us to understand each others needs and wants and be able to give of ourselves the unconditional love that God would want us to convey to one another. And if it happens to be, that it is not God’s Will for us to reunite as a couple again, I need to learn to really accept that and carry on with the cycle of my being while opening my heart to the one that God wants my heart to be to offered to.

But why doesn't your heart do what your mind tells it to do???

Turning Point to Limitless Growth

Growth, Success, Progression, Tenacity, Dedication, Determination and Motivation

These are all words that people use from time to time to build a solid foundation in preparation for life’s obstacles. It has been a long time coming since I have focused my attention on my game plan to reach an abundance of happiness…striving for success at my own pace. When you arrive at a certain point in your life where everything seems to be going in reverse, things are not operating in the fashion that you want them to go…and its unfortunate that we as individuals in society have to experience trials and tribulations, however, that’s just called being human. Now how you handle the trials that come your way will determine the outcome of your success.

I am saying this all to say that I have arrived at my breaking point. Ok…let me take that back…not my breakpoint, but my turning point would be more of an accurate word for it. This turning point in my life has placed me in a position to make life changing decisions. When I was a kid, I can remember thinking hmmmm…should I call Little John John or should I wait for him to call me….I don’t want to seem anxious. And looking back on that type of decision back then, they seem so unimportant now. However, the decisions that I make, now that I am a grown woman could make or break my whole lifestyle. Now with that stated, this turning point has caused me to reflect on my past decisions to understand why I am in the position I am in today. I question myself, why am I still single, why haven’t I found a permanent job, why am I feeling alone with no one to turn to, why do I question myself these same questions repeatedly within a 3-5 month span. And now that I think about it, it is because of the recent decisions that I have made, using the same techniques in hopes to getting a different result. Isn’t that called being insane?

“Insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein

So lets just say, according to Albert Einstein, I have been temporary insane for a little while. Lets break each point down.

1.Why am I still single?
I have recently come to realize that an ex boyfriend of mine has hurt my feelings to the point that I do not want to develop the feeling of love any time soon. I attempt to force my feelings of not liking him in my brain to assist me with my moving on process. While forcing these feelings, I adversely become bitter towards him, demonstrating my actions towards him in a spiteful and mean manner. Truth be told, I am not a mean person at all, but the unfortunate part about love is that it can make you do things you would not normally do. Therefore, I have not allowed myself to forgive him because he is still not acting in the manner of which I want him to act. We call that CONTROLLING. I have gotten a slight reality check from one of my aunties, and she stated that,

“You are trying to control him by being angered by his actions of not performing in the manner you want him to perform in. He is not a puppet that you can toy with, he is a man and once you get that in your head, you may find yourself learning to love him again even if being together again is not an option.”

Those words that she stated to me was so profound and insightful that a light bulb finally went on, and I realize what I was doing wrong. She was absolutely right, I was trying to control a man that would not allow himself to be controlled…and his actions and words showed that but I just was not trying to hear it. Moreover, that was my problem, I continued to use the same methods…expecting him to act differently and that was not going to happen. So now back at square one, now that I realize my behaviors, whatsoever shall I do next? STOP….THINK ABOUT IT.

First of all, I need to remove the dead weight of insolent and juvenile young men that I have included in my life to take up rebounding space. If their purpose is not for the betterment of my being, then I need to relax, reflect, and release. I need to stop worrying about who is next on my agenda to occupy time, instead I need to spend some time with myself to verify my needs and wants and pray that me and God are on the same page. I need to stop playing the “super woman” role all the time and let a man be a man. If I’m playing his part, what purpose does he have? I need to open my heart again to allow someone to see who I really am without shielding myself away. And overall I need to trust people until they prove another wise. That sounds so easily done, but as we all know, things like moving on, letting your guard down, opening up to someone new…etc…but the first step needs to be taken, and acknowledge is the first….now let me progress….next step….FORGIVENESS…

2.Why haven’t I found a permanent job?
Now this is a question that the majority of America is asking themselves. I have the skills, I have the degree, I have the charisma and personality…whats the problem? Why don’t I have a job?! Well…disappointingly the economy is not in a high demand of hiring new people…instead people are getting laid off. Money is not as easy to come back as it once was, therefore, people are out here jobless. Now in my situation, I have made a decision to resign for a position that I was obviously not in alignment with. I hated going to work everyday, I couldn’t stand working with some of the people and to top it off, they weren’t paying me enough to work the long hours with micromanaging, ill-mannered and dysfunctional senior management. Hence my resignation from the company. It was not only I that felt that way, as their retention rates for employees revealed that this company was obviously lacking key components for keeping their employees happy and motivated. So in this case, of course it is going to take time for me to find something permanent…and I am learning that it will be ok, God has blessed me with means to get by and he will make a way, so that is all that I can rely on right now.

3.Why am I feeling alone with no one to turn to?
What a funny question to ask myself. I have been so far removed from the relationship that I have once had with God. When no one else is around, God has always been my way maker, provider, comforter, protector and all that I have ever needed. I need to build my prayer life up and participate in church more actively so that I can rebuilt the connection I have once had with God. Simply put.

Now let me go back….you’re probably wondering, why in the heck is she answering her own questions? And if you must know…its called REFLECTING. I understand where I am and why I am where I am in my life…and now I have finally took the time to dissect some of the aspects to produce a positive result. Now is my time to make some moves while staying positive and hope that this positivity can rub off on someone else.

This is not to say that my next post won’t be a venting pot for my readers, because I am only human…but I am attempting to start on the right foot. So I’ll say, stay blessed, be happy and keep reading…lets see how this unfolds.

Prioritization of Mental Complexity

I need to become organized with my thoughts so that I may focus on the things that are a priority, rather than procrastinating on the resolution to these mundane situations....

You know when you reach a point in your life, where if you worry about the problems that are going on, you will find yourself stressed, depressed and downright upset about what cards you were dealt. Unfortunately, with all that going on in your life, somehow, those problems need a resolution to them. You can put them off but they still exist.

I have found myself running away from my problems instead of facing them head on. Why? Because I don't have the solution yet and don't have the energy to find one. Funny thing is that, I have always been the type to fix my problems as they arise so that I wouldn't have the lump sum later. However, over the course of my new transition back to Chicago, I have noticed that I can't sit down for a good 30 minutes without running out to find something to do with my time. I have been finding things to do to avoid pondering about the things that really matter.

I thought that at some point I would embrace this change and its consequences and benefits, yet, for some reason I have replaced my role of responsibility with dating retarded and immature young men, entertaining myself with outings that I can barely afford, driving around to places to seek other interest and basically doing everything else but taking care of my business. I recognize that this is a problem, but I don't want to handle it right now. When putting all my problems out on the table...I know that it will bring forth a reality check so great that I wouldn't know how to handle it at this moment.

I have to come to accept that I am not where I want to be in life when it comes to a career; I have to learn to embrace my single life yet come to the realization that I have been hurt by men that I have allowed access to a sacred place in my mind, heart and body...which causes me to limit myself and build a guard up where no other man can penetrate their ideals of being with me; I have to recognize that my living arrangements are a means to and end and not avoid coming home to rest because I don't want to be there; I have to respect the fact that my friends and close family members are moving along in their lives and experiencing things I have yet to experience, but know that they are not leaving me just taking another step in their lives such as being in relationship, marriages, having kids, etc.; I have to take my finances seriously and pay off things that I have accrued overtime to avoid long term penalties; and the list goes on...

...And with all that said, I still have more that needs to be released, but I shall limit my exposure of all that is suppressing my mind.

Often times, I want to talk to someone that will allow themselves to LISTEN to the things I have to say and only provide feedback when its requested. Yet, so many people, I have found, do not know how to listen let alone want to listen. They are normally the ones that will offer their ears, but reverse the situation to their needs and I begin to provide them with the psychological assistance they are use to obtaining from me. Very frustrating I find this to be. In addition, the majority of my friends and family members are in relationships and or dealing with their family needs that they don't have time to listen to my situations. Sucking things up and moving on is usually the motto I possess in areas of my life. I am use to individuals not caring about what goes on in my life so much because I have allowed myself to be their venting place. Whether friends or family are young or old...it is rare that I can sit and express my thoughts in the manner that is most comfortable to me...blunt, honest, and without limits...in the hopes that I will not be judged, belittled, misunderstood, or avoided. I guess thats one resolution that I have found.

Now that goes without saying, there are some individuals that, of course, care about me and want to see me in my best light. However, I don't like to become a burden to others by pouring all my negativity into their lives...I find that I am not as much of a selfish person as I should be...I suppose.

In regards to relationships, friendships, sexships, whatever...I discovered that I am beyond tired of the dating scene. Even though I deny the fact of my wanting a relationship, I truly want to be in a relationship with someone that will love me unconditionally and demonstrate their love in their actions and their words. Yet my experiences in these ships are the following: For those of whom have wanted to be in relationships with me for years I have come to grips with the fact that I do not want them for the reasons that I know. For the guys that are popping from the past, I need to keep them discarded as my feelings are null and void and the only reason I am allowing them time in my life is to provide me with an escape from my reality...discussing things that are stupid and unimportant. For my first love, I need to move on from him and accept the fact that he is not the one for me, never was and never will be. I should acknowledge the things he has done to me by looking at the big picture and stop making excuses for his actions. For the guys that I have used to provide me with sexual favors, well...its a given that even though no strong feelings were exchanged, that there was a connection made that will always stay in my soul...I need to stop seeking a sexual release to ideally receive a temporary mental release, because unconsciously it is hurting me spiritually and emotionally because I know that I want more. For the guys that I call my friends, I can appreciate their time and efforts put into spending time with me and spending their money on entertaining me in their presence....but all in all we know that someone is going to want more eventually...and if they are in the friends category...its not me.
All in all, I hope that I don't cause emotional, physical, or verbal harm to another individual due to my frustration and mental disorganization. I am just trying to find my peaceful place that seems to be so far away from me at this moment...So maybe I need to take a step back and go into my hiding spot again...just so that I can place myself in the right mind frame in which I am accustomed to being in. Confusion is not my forte and needs not to be the vocal point in my existence right now.