I need to become organized with my thoughts so that I may focus on the things that are a priority, rather than procrastinating on the resolution to these mundane situations....
You know when you reach a point in your life, where if you worry about the problems that are going on, you will find yourself stressed, depressed and downright upset about what cards you were dealt. Unfortunately, with all that going on in your life, somehow, those problems need a resolution to them. You can put them off but they still exist.
I have found myself running away from my problems instead of facing them head on. Why? Because I don't have the solution yet and don't have the energy to find one. Funny thing is that, I have always been the type to fix my problems as they arise so that I wouldn't have the lump sum later. However, over the course of my new transition back to Chicago, I have noticed that I can't sit down for a good 30 minutes without running out to find something to do with my time. I have been finding things to do to avoid pondering about the things that really matter.
I thought that at some point I would embrace this change and its consequences and benefits, yet, for some reason I have replaced my role of responsibility with dating retarded and immature young men, entertaining myself with outings that I can barely afford, driving around to places to seek other interest and basically doing everything else but taking care of my business. I recognize that this is a problem, but I don't want to handle it right now. When putting all my problems out on the table...I know that it will bring forth a reality check so great that I wouldn't know how to handle it at this moment.
I have to come to accept that I am not where I want to be in life when it comes to a career; I have to learn to embrace my single life yet come to the realization that I have been hurt by men that I have allowed access to a sacred place in my mind, heart and body...which causes me to limit myself and build a guard up where no other man can penetrate their ideals of being with me; I have to recognize that my living arrangements are a means to and end and not avoid coming home to rest because I don't want to be there; I have to respect the fact that my friends and close family members are moving along in their lives and experiencing things I have yet to experience, but know that they are not leaving me just taking another step in their lives such as being in relationship, marriages, having kids, etc.; I have to take my finances seriously and pay off things that I have accrued overtime to avoid long term penalties; and the list goes on...
...And with all that said, I still have more that needs to be released, but I shall limit my exposure of all that is suppressing my mind.
Often times, I want to talk to someone that will allow themselves to LISTEN to the things I have to say and only provide feedback when its requested. Yet, so many people, I have found, do not know how to listen let alone want to listen. They are normally the ones that will offer their ears, but reverse the situation to their needs and I begin to provide them with the psychological assistance they are use to obtaining from me. Very frustrating I find this to be. In addition, the majority of my friends and family members are in relationships and or dealing with their family needs that they don't have time to listen to my situations. Sucking things up and moving on is usually the motto I possess in areas of my life. I am use to individuals not caring about what goes on in my life so much because I have allowed myself to be their venting place. Whether friends or family are young or old...it is rare that I can sit and express my thoughts in the manner that is most comfortable to me...blunt, honest, and without limits...in the hopes that I will not be judged, belittled, misunderstood, or avoided. I guess thats one resolution that I have found.
Now that goes without saying, there are some individuals that, of course, care about me and want to see me in my best light. However, I don't like to become a burden to others by pouring all my negativity into their lives...I find that I am not as much of a selfish person as I should be...I suppose.
In regards to relationships, friendships, sexships, whatever...I discovered that I am beyond tired of the dating scene. Even though I deny the fact of my wanting a relationship, I truly want to be in a relationship with someone that will love me unconditionally and demonstrate their love in their actions and their words. Yet my experiences in these ships are the following: For those of whom have wanted to be in relationships with me for years I have come to grips with the fact that I do not want them for the reasons that I know. For the guys that are popping from the past, I need to keep them discarded as my feelings are null and void and the only reason I am allowing them time in my life is to provide me with an escape from my reality...discussing things that are stupid and unimportant. For my first love, I need to move on from him and accept the fact that he is not the one for me, never was and never will be. I should acknowledge the things he has done to me by looking at the big picture and stop making excuses for his actions. For the guys that I have used to provide me with sexual favors, well...its a given that even though no strong feelings were exchanged, that there was a connection made that will always stay in my soul...I need to stop seeking a sexual release to ideally receive a temporary mental release, because unconsciously it is hurting me spiritually and emotionally because I know that I want more. For the guys that I call my friends, I can appreciate their time and efforts put into spending time with me and spending their money on entertaining me in their presence....but all in all we know that someone is going to want more eventually...and if they are in the friends category...its not me.
All in all, I hope that I don't cause emotional, physical, or verbal harm to another individual due to my frustration and mental disorganization. I am just trying to find my peaceful place that seems to be so far away from me at this moment...So maybe I need to take a step back and go into my hiding spot again...just so that I can place myself in the right mind frame in which I am accustomed to being in. Confusion is not my forte and needs not to be the vocal point in my existence right now.
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