Why doesn't your heart do what your mind tells it?

Here we go again, walking down this yellow brick road...more like this concrete pavement on Chicago's southside with the view of a love scene...why must I continuously press play ---rewind---play---rewind over and over again on this same part of the "Notebook"...more specifically my notebook of memories with this man that I love so very much?...

When I saw him, I wanted to ball up my fist and punch him in the face for all the hurt that he has put me through. But in reality, all I could simply do was open my arms and embrace him with a hug.

I loved this man and it becomes a struggle with knowing how your heart feels towards someone but your mind wants you to do something different. I wanted so much for him to be back in my life but I knew that now was not the time for that type of discussion. We haven’t seen each other in weeks and I have tried to avoid him every chance I was given. I truthfully wanted to be in his presence but I forced myself to believe that if he was out of sight, he will be out of mind…causing me to move on. Obviously, that doesn’t seem to work. I would like to be his friend if nothing more, but I know that my emotions wouldn’t allow me to perform such a difficult task at the moment.

So while in each others company we discussed the vague updates of our lives, knowing that deep down we had more to express. I shielded myself from revealing all of what was felt by me, and he of course, as this is usual with him, caused himself to do the same. However, during our conversation, he leaned over and succeeded in landing a kiss upon my lips. I sooooo wanted to kiss him back, but my reflex caused me to softly slap him in the face with a response of “Quit it!” (yeah like that sounded so convincing). Continuing on with our conversation, trying to think of other things beyond wanting to kiss him…he tried again but this time my face turned away in the slight moment that he went for the gold.

I am trying to understand that even with me wanting to kiss him back; I repeatedly caused myself not to return the favor. I need to learn discipline with him, because kissing will only cause more confusion in this disconnected relationship that we are in. I am learning that if it is for us to be together again, we have to learn how to be friends, how to have fun together, how to communicate to each other, how to respect each other, and overall learn how to love each other again, the right way without precincts and closed hearts. I still love him, but he has to learn to love me the way I deserve to be loved. Even though I am still willing to give my heart to him again; he needs to understand that he has hurt me and he needs to show me that he will take care of my heart next time around...(makes me feel dumb at times for wanting him back) Is that stupid of me? Why does love make you do so many stupid and crazy things at times? Why can’t moving on be a smooth process?

Once our conversation was coming to an end, he walked me to my car and hugged me closely. I was wishing that he didn’t have to leave but he released me from his arm hold and attempted yet again to kiss me. It took ever negative emotion I had in me to not kiss him back, but I believe it was for the best. I can’t be controlled by his advances because that will land me right where we started off in the first place.

Focus girl focus!

That is what I keep telling myself…focus on what you want right now. And what I want is for us to understand each others needs and wants and be able to give of ourselves the unconditional love that God would want us to convey to one another. And if it happens to be, that it is not God’s Will for us to reunite as a couple again, I need to learn to really accept that and carry on with the cycle of my being while opening my heart to the one that God wants my heart to be to offered to.

But why doesn't your heart do what your mind tells it to do???