These past few months have been very trying for me. Yet in still, God has brought me through. I feel as though I am making some progress, although, in certain circumstances, I feel like I am making some steps backwards. However, with those step backwards, I use that time to look back and reflect on situations or obstacles that has transpired throughout the course of my life and identifying areas at which I can improve going forward.
I had recently had a heart to heart with someone that is very dear to me. Over five years now, I’ve been holding a grudge against this person I’ll call, MJ, that I now understand why I think and do some of the things that I do now. With this grudge, I found that in my lowest of lows and hurts of hurt, MJ which is one person that I really needed at the time, was not there. At one of the most troubling times of my life, this MJ’s lack of presence, caused me to shut down just about every emotion that has caused me to love unconditionally and without limits and allow someone else to see all of me. That moment in time, which is now a memory, took so much out of me that its taking me until now to start recovering from my hurt. My hurt transitioned to being depressed and depressed transitions to anger…and before speaking with MJ, I was angry with MJ, I wanted nothing to do with MJ…and it hurt me so bad that I felt the way I did about that person. All in all, throughout our discussion, an apology was given…and it was accepted, but I am still trying to open my heart to allow this person to enter in it again as they once did. I have to build that trust with MJ again before I can be completely connected with MJ again…because with Family…you can’t hold on to grudges…because one day they might not be there to tell them that you forgive them.
Which brings me to my next point. After that moment in time where I was dealing with some serious tribulations of life, X broke up with me and also caused me to close my heart to men…resulting in my future relationships being affected by my lack of opening my heart to someone else. I never understood why some of my relationships didn’t work, especially with knowing that I had so many good guys on my roster…but I always found something wrong and I ran away…ran away from the guy, ran away from the relationship, ran away from the possibility of someone getting close enough to touch my heart…and I never understood why I just wasn’t ready for that. But now I see. With MJ not being there for me and X leaving me in the manner at which he did and all at the same time while experiencing the situations I was going through….I mean, anyone in there sane mind would have probably hit the loony mind if they went through the same thing I went though. But only God…ONLY GOD…has brought me through and I am grateful for that.
But back to my point, I realized that this one guy I’ll call the Golden Arch, came into my life and revealed something to me…while we were together…and what he revealed was that I still had a heart…and my heart has feelings and only someone that shows me that they are trustworthy I when expose my heart to. And in this situation, he was definitely a person I considered trustworthy and I showed him an inkling of my heart. Although wanting to give him more of me, because he was deserving, I couldn’t because I was still holding on to the memory of being left alone. And seeing as though I haven’t resolved that issue, when the Golden Arch opened his heart and expressed his love for me….I got nervous and ran, as I always do, because I just wasn’t ready, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t think my heart was prepared to be given to someone else at the time. Oh but wow, when a moment becomes a memory, then and only then do you appreciate that moment; as now when I look back on the great things he has brought out in me, the flaws he looked past and the greatness he saw in me, the potential he was able to notice even with the outside shell that was exposed. I still to this day never comprehended how the Golden Arch could love me so unconditionally even within a short period of time. Honestly, I did love him too, and still do, but I wasn’t ready for the type of love that he was willing to give to me at the time. I wasn’t ready to love love, to express love, and to accept love…I didn’t know how to handle it because my heart has been on lockdown for so long…I forgot how to effectively use it. What a shame. And although me and the Golden Arch may never get back together again, or ever pursue a relationship again…I still consider him as a friend, that I hold near and dear.
Yet, how will I ever progress to something, rather a relationship, friendship or to even come back to being me? I used to always strive to bring joy into other people lives, to be the peacemaker, the person that everyone can confide in. But now, that has changed, and I’m trying to get back to where I was in my thoughts…being happy with who am I am and seeing a clear vision of who I plan to become. This scene for me is a bit blurry at the time...but this is a process that I have started and I am beginning to see some results.
If only I could appreciate the moments I have…before they become memories…maybe then I’ll understand the entire concept of life.
I’m out.
