"Here I am again...asking questions
Waiting to be moved
What I thought I knew
I don't seem to
Where is the turn
So I can get back
To what I believe in
To the old me and...
God please hear my call...
I am afraid...
Of me...
I need your healing..."
Hear I am again, sitting in the warmth of small waves
Moving across my body with moisture bath beads
Trying to relax
But I'm lost in my brain
Thinking and contemplating how I'm going to fix this
Unexpected things that occurred in my life seem to come back to memory
I thought these lit candles and bottle of wine would do it
Get me in the zone of thinking of nothingness while the nudeness of my body lays in this bowl of water
Wanting only to be lost in blissful ignorance of not knowing
Trying to find answers to solutions
Yet none to which are found
To the problems that keep arriving in my life
But I sip on this glass of wine wishing that relaxation or drunkenness will take over and encompass my mind
I just want to free my mental process from moving
Only momentarily for me to appreciate the beauty of a moment
Always moving, never stopping to take a second for me
To realize who I am and my value
To acknowledge my own efforts in making my dreams into reality
No memories of men, no facts of friendships, no frustrations of family, no corruptions and conflicts of interests in career...just me
I need to know why this is to be
Why I continuously fuck up on things that matter to me
Instead I move on like it never existed just to make the same mistake again
Questioning my hurt is a weakness to my eyes
But why?
Facing reality is a challenge that I so often am faced up against
Realizing that my actions determine my outcome
And coming to terms with owning up to my decisions
So many things to remember, so many things to correct
I'm lost in my brain
All over the place with no focus
Bouncing from one thought to another
STOP!
I close my eyes and tell myself to calm
Breathing in the steam of this scorching water
Sweat beads drip down my face from extortion of thought
I'm tired
I lay my head back upon the wall
and pace myself in my inhales
Blowing out to exhale…
releasing out all the stresses
All the advertises,
all the thoughts of under appreciation,
all the broken promises,
all the lies and deceit,
all the feelings of being alone and lonely,
all the feelings of being wanted,
all the hard work that goes unnoticed,
all the stuff that has caused me to think
And make me reach this level of fatigued.
Tears combine with sweat as they both slowly slide down the curves of my face
No longer will I let these thoughts suppress me
Depress me into losing my motivation
With visions and thoughts of things I haven't let go
But when I get up
And soon I will do just that
I'll look at everything I went through as beautiful
As it has made me...me
Unique, beautiful and one to be loved
Created in only the image of The Divine
Hoping that He gives me guidance
To finding me again
I need to stop going in REWIND
But make FORWARD movements to catch up where I left off
So that I can PLAY out my life the way it's was intended
Happy and free...enjoying the blessing of life itself
Appreciating the birds and the bees
Although right now I might not see the forest for the trees
I gotta love me enough to change
Rearrange the puzzle pieces so that I can see the big picture
Seeing only the sight of me looking back at me
A reflection that I've always avoided
Because of the void felt within
But now as I open my eyes...
A new impression of me is revealed
Concealed to myself that I can only be me
And that's all that I have in me to be
