I thought about calling you
But I changed my mind...
So...I put the phone down
Profoundly realizing that the thoughts that I have of you are mine to keep
And the benefit of knowing is no longer yours to reap
So I leap forward to forget about you...
Attempting to be affected by you no longer.
I'm learning to fulfill my hunger to be loved
By one whom I call myself.
So I hold two fingers up to chalk up the dueces
And maybe one day you'll eventually define
all that we were and all that I hoped us to be
Which at that time you were too blind to see
Since your focus was never really on me.
Therefore...I am seeking out a sacred and safe haven.
I want to restore what has been broken...
by provoking strength to withstand over sorrowful feelings
Things such as self pity and loneliness...
So I caress my mind with thoughts of success and happiness.
But I'm just battling myself in this "lost in thought" war
Trying to focus on all that I have to gain and all that is to be grateful for
To pick myself up and discover the more... The more that is to come...the more that is to be and step into a destined love that is meant for me,
Because clearly this love was not prepared for you
I'm just hoping that I don't have déjà vu when this "something new" comes along...
When he that finds me understands my worth and values it as a priceless asset
Rather than a set of assets fondled by unworthy hands of unless beings...
Which brings me to finally reaching a point of new beginnings
Seeking a place to kindle my feelings.
So I focus on what's true and what is real
Of course giving myself enough time to heal
To reflect on what was learned from this shared experience
Praying that I receive the deliverance from you in my remembrance
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
My Toast to "The Next Chapter"
Two days ago I celebrated my 26th birthday. Whoa just to think I am getting closer and closer to this 30 year old mark. It freaks me out just thinking about it. Either way, I was just sitting at home thinking. As that is usually the case when I am sitting at home with nothing to do. I sat home for a full 12 hours and you know how many people called me? Do you know how many people texted me? Even just to say hello…the answer was zero. And this is not just the case for days like this, but most days. And its funny because someone said to me today… “wow, you are beautiful…but I am sure you get that all the time and that you have guys knocking down your door”…and the funny thing is that no one is knocking down my door…let alone knocking on the door. At least not for anything that I am looking for. It is so frustrating at times because even if I just wanted a good fuck…these lately guys…are so not what I am looking for…not convenient, not driven, not consistent…hell they can barely take my ass out on a date. I can’t even remember the last time I went out on a date.
Now this is nothing that I am feeling bad or down about, its just a realization that I have accepted. But again, now that I am getting older, I am getting tired of the bullshit. This no calling, this no responding, this no spending time with me, this no communication and this I am always reaching out to you…is no longer working for me.
So what did I do…while I’m sitting here in the midst of doing nothing….I pick up my phone and start deleting…deleting phone numbers, text messages, pictures…everything. Cleaning house as some put it. I can’t keep allowing this foolishness into my life, especially when I am starting to get to a new height in my life career wise, personally, emotionally and even spiritually. I can’t keep entertaining the very thing that I have no desire for. If all these dudes only have a dick to offer, then they don’t have much to offer at all.
What a shame to even attempt to settle for just that. And in attempt to not hurt feelings…I don’t mention how their dick wasn’t even something worth just holding on to…I can see if they was just laying it down on a sista every time…but these niggas out here can barely even hang…hang with the drive that I have. Ha…I laugh at the idea of these dudes thinking they running things because they walking around here with a dick between their legs. A dick and good looks is limited to the bedroom and late night text messages…nothing more.
At the end of the day, when I reflect on the countless number of men that I have shared myself with…I can’t say that I have honestly seriously wanted to be with many of them. I may have liked them and enjoyed the attention…but seriously…thinking that they can be a lifetime partner for me….HAHA! Get real. No personality, lack of ambition, no money having negros that honestly thought that this woman here was stuck on stupid to their charismatic behaviors and sex. Not realizing that sex can come a dime a dozen.
But here I am now, trying to self motivate and boost my confidence because I still wonder why I haven’t been sought after by someone worth keeping around. Yeah I know these other guys weren’t worth my attention but they gave me just enough to keep me from losing my mind and feeling so lonely. What have I lost in the midst of gaining that type of attention though? What have I gained? I believe that I have lost patience in dealing with foolishness and have gained wisdom to know when this foolishness is being displayed towards me.
So there you have it. I no longer wish to play the cute girl that can screw whomever I please…I want to be the woman that a man finds to potentially become his wife and grow together. This fucking around is for the birds…it lacks depth, substance, passion, love, communication, care, and the overall yearning from the shared party. I want a relationship and at this point in my life, I can’t accept anything less than that. I’m throwing in the white towel to this game, I’m folding my hand…I want more than this because I have so much more to give.
On that note, I am putting it out there that sex is no longer my main necessity…I need companionship…and if that is not a goal or target for a man that wants to date me…then…by all means…find someone that accepts your limited offerings. Moving on to bigger and better things…growing and maturing…and taking my life to the next chapter…so I raise this glass of wine and toast... “To the Next Chapter”
Now this is nothing that I am feeling bad or down about, its just a realization that I have accepted. But again, now that I am getting older, I am getting tired of the bullshit. This no calling, this no responding, this no spending time with me, this no communication and this I am always reaching out to you…is no longer working for me.
So what did I do…while I’m sitting here in the midst of doing nothing….I pick up my phone and start deleting…deleting phone numbers, text messages, pictures…everything. Cleaning house as some put it. I can’t keep allowing this foolishness into my life, especially when I am starting to get to a new height in my life career wise, personally, emotionally and even spiritually. I can’t keep entertaining the very thing that I have no desire for. If all these dudes only have a dick to offer, then they don’t have much to offer at all.
What a shame to even attempt to settle for just that. And in attempt to not hurt feelings…I don’t mention how their dick wasn’t even something worth just holding on to…I can see if they was just laying it down on a sista every time…but these niggas out here can barely even hang…hang with the drive that I have. Ha…I laugh at the idea of these dudes thinking they running things because they walking around here with a dick between their legs. A dick and good looks is limited to the bedroom and late night text messages…nothing more.
At the end of the day, when I reflect on the countless number of men that I have shared myself with…I can’t say that I have honestly seriously wanted to be with many of them. I may have liked them and enjoyed the attention…but seriously…thinking that they can be a lifetime partner for me….HAHA! Get real. No personality, lack of ambition, no money having negros that honestly thought that this woman here was stuck on stupid to their charismatic behaviors and sex. Not realizing that sex can come a dime a dozen.
But here I am now, trying to self motivate and boost my confidence because I still wonder why I haven’t been sought after by someone worth keeping around. Yeah I know these other guys weren’t worth my attention but they gave me just enough to keep me from losing my mind and feeling so lonely. What have I lost in the midst of gaining that type of attention though? What have I gained? I believe that I have lost patience in dealing with foolishness and have gained wisdom to know when this foolishness is being displayed towards me.
So there you have it. I no longer wish to play the cute girl that can screw whomever I please…I want to be the woman that a man finds to potentially become his wife and grow together. This fucking around is for the birds…it lacks depth, substance, passion, love, communication, care, and the overall yearning from the shared party. I want a relationship and at this point in my life, I can’t accept anything less than that. I’m throwing in the white towel to this game, I’m folding my hand…I want more than this because I have so much more to give.
On that note, I am putting it out there that sex is no longer my main necessity…I need companionship…and if that is not a goal or target for a man that wants to date me…then…by all means…find someone that accepts your limited offerings. Moving on to bigger and better things…growing and maturing…and taking my life to the next chapter…so I raise this glass of wine and toast... “To the Next Chapter”
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