Open your eyes...and then you will see...

Wow, did I really just discover what was right in front of me all along? How can this be?

Can you believe it, after all of these trail and error relationships, I think that I’m falling for my best male friend….aaaaah that’s nuts to even say that…ewwww….lol….so many mixed emotions. Why is this? Should I even be feeling this way? What the hell is going on?

I just recently go rid of some dead weight with a couple previous guys that I’ve dated, and honestly…the dating scene for me has become the boring, lonely and repetitive portion of my life…almost down right depressing if you ask me. I’ve gotten so tired of seeing a different face every time I got taken out to dinner…or the boring and minimal substance conversations like “so….tell me about yourself…or….what do you like to do?….or when is your birthday?...or so how many siblings do have?...no need to go further, you get my drift. Its just boring and to me, its plain ol’ useless.

But…today, I sat across the table with my friend, and I looked into his eyes…and had all these funny feelings inside, (as I chuckle) could it be that I’m falling for my best male friend, is what I thought to myself. 12 years and counting, he has been waiting in the dust….waiting for me to say…yes, I’ll be with you. I’ve never known a man to wait this long and not receive much of anything in return, except for my time and the opportunity to really get to know me.

Its crazy when I sit back and actually use my brain to think about myself for a change…outside of work stuff or what I have to do for others…but now that I have had some time to reflect, I have always known that I loved him, but never knew to what extent. We made a pact back in high school that if we made it to 30 years of age and we both were single, that we would end up being together…who would have thought that my want to be with him would come before then…giving me 5 years to spare before my 30 year cut off time…hmmm….

But let me tell you a little bit about him…

He is one man that knows the ends and outs of me…mentally that is…understanding my needs and wants, supporting my dreams and desires, and catering to me in the areas that actually matter to me. He has done the dates, the plays, the fancy restaurants, the jazz clubs, the parties, the professional mingling outings…all with me…and just appreciated that I thought enough of him to spend time with him. What was I thinking? Had I just been blind that this guy…actually gets me?

I knew that initially the attraction was not there so much, but the things he does for me, especially the things that don’t even require money, makes me feel appreciated, wanted, respected, adored and even loved. He wants to see me happy and does everything in majority of his power to do that. Who doesn’t want that? …But who does? (hand rasies)

And the sad part about this whole picture is, all this time I was looking elsewhere…for someone with the physical package that I so desire…and I got that…but everything else was a bunch of mush….the guys I’ve dated are like little kids’ toys…you know the one that they play with in the tub? Its so cute on the outside, you want to play with it, and show it off to mommy…ooooh look what I got…but then you squeeze it and its just air…no substance, soft, filled with water and you realize that you can’t do much with it…it doesn’t shoot out lazers or sing you a song, or teach you letters, numbers and words…its just that, a plain ol toy. I hope that was a good analogy…it made sense to me….at the moment at least. :-) But I got off track for a second, the point I was making was…I’ve been focusing so much on these other guys that I had not taken the time to really get to know him, just like he has gotten to know me.

But now is my opportunity…I suppose…but in this case, I won’t be jumping the guns on anything. I won’t be making any drastic moves because I value our friendship more than the feeling of “just being with someone”.
Right when I thought I was content with being alone, I finally see what was in front of me as something that may just be what I’ve needed and wanted all this time. I hope this works if its meant to be, and if it isn’t…I hope that I see that before moving forwarding.

Lets see how this goes...eeeeeek! (fingers crossed)